Blabbing about my nervousness....

With my first day on the floor coming up tomorrow, as excited as I am, I am also super nervous. I know I should not be nervous. I've done this for two years in clinicals and for 13 weeks as an Extern. The truth is: this time, the full responsibility is on me to know what is wrong, to know how to fix it and to catch things early. What if I dont catch something serious? What if I can't learn how to multi-task correctly? What if, God forbid, someone dies in my care?! I have so many "what-if's" that are scaring the crap out of me. Why though? I excelled in the classroom and earned a freakin' 3.9 GPA. I nailed the NCLEX with 75 questions and I got all satisfactories in my clinicals evals....I LOVE people and I am a quick learner & I retain information easily. Most of all, I CARE. A friend of mine told me the other day that as long as I care, I'll be fine. I feel like thats a good piece of advice....but not enough to boast my confidence right now.

I keep asking myself where this "fear" is coming from....I can't figure it out. I can not pinpoint anything that would have me this nervous. All I can think of is that I am going to be caring for really sick people and those really sick people are depending on me to keep them alive. Although I do not prescribe the medications or make the diagnosis, I am the one who see's that patient for 12 hours that shift....delivers all their medications (which must be double and triple checked to make sure they should be getting that medication!) and watches for signs of deterioration....

My mom once told me that there are a lot of stupid nurses out there. I wondered how that could be true. How do you graduate, pass your boards and be a "stupid nurse?" I found though that there are some nurses, while I wouldnt label them as "stupid" per sea, I would label as "lazy" or lack that "I care" attitude. I'm not going to be one of those nurses. I vow to my self to always care. To always treat my patients like they are my parents or friends laying in that bed suffering. I vow to see my patients are who that person is, not just a room number. I will never be a nurse that others see as "lazy." This is NOT the profession for laziness. Laziness leads to undue suffering and mistakes.

I chose critical care because I love a challenge. And it's funny because I know that I am smart enough to do it. I know that. I just need to get this first day over with and believe in myself. I have the best preceptor one could ask for and I think that she is going to make a world of difference in my experience. I just hope at the end of the road, I believe in myself enough to do it :)